You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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