how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
