I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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