You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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