I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
