So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
