News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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