I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
