i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
