He asked to "fluff my boner.."
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!