his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
