wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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