maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
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