Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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