If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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