I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
