im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
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Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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