My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...