I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
