I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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