Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Panties = found
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
