I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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