I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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