I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
