awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
