I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
