I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Dear god my vagina.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
