I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
