there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
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