Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
