I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
