Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
