sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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