I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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