You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize