I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
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It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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