I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
