wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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