I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
