Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
