What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
operation have a gay friend backfired
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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