i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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