I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
