I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
