She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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