and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
