If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
