the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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