I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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