someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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