John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
