And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
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You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
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Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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