can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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