Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
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he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
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And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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