She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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