I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
