Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
